It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will be naked everywhere
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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