Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
