Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
