the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
