peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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