Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
