I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
