a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
