I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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