guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
