we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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