Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
