i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
