I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
