I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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