I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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