my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
