So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
