I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
