I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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