I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
