Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
