How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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