Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
