Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
