my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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