After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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