dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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