I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
