I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
