I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
