getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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