The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
