No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
