i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
