Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Randomize