You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Randomize
