why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
