why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
