I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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