I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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