All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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