I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
