rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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