I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
