Screwed.edu
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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