help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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