Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
