youre lurking in front of me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
