If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
