So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
