you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
