im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize