hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
