i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
