My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
