im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
