Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
