take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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