Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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