If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
