last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So apparently I’m into choking now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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