I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
