she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
